UnCharted Path Productions presents: "Let's Talk About It!" - "I know I moved on when...."
Updated: Aug 22, 2022
Uncharted Path Productions presents:
"Let's Talk About It" Weekly Mental Digest
Spotlighting Mental Health Awareness
by Shari Wilson, Psy. M.
August 19, 2022
Happy Friday everyone! Shari Wilson, Psy. M, your virtual psychologist, here for our weekly talk. Come on into my virtual office, have a seat, get comfortable, and let's begin.... with Relationships…
These situations can be tricky, to say the least. You have some that are just a steaming hot mess, where the question of “whether or not to say” is kinda like a “duh” moment. Crazy thing is, even in those cases there might be some that will believe that he/she will change and try to place the blame on themselves as to why their partner isn’t meeting their needs. Then you have those relationships where there are a lot of positive similarities. In the beginning, it is just a field of daisies with the constant sensation of butterflies in your stomach, but what about when you start to notice that you're allergic to daisies and those butterflies turn into stomach irritations? You know, like when you reeeeeeally start to get to know each other?
I KNEW I MOVED ON WHEN THERE WAS ABUSE (MENTAL/PHYSICAL/VERBAL)
What about when things that were overlooked in the beginning are now things that you have a hard time working through? What do you do when they are no longer something you can look over? Those quick jabs at your appearance, in the beginning, were something “harmless” whereas now it is hurtful because after voicing your discomfort, they didn't stop. Those “unintentional” slaps; “roughhousing” were given excuses as he/she didn't mean to do it. Those excuses become more frequent and now we’re looking for a way out because you never meant to be in such a toxic situation. What if it isn't the slick comments that are bothersome, but more of the fact that you two don't match. There are too many differences that cause unnecessary fights, and who has time to be arguing and bickering every day??? NOT ME!!!!!!
I KNEW I MOVED ON WHEN THE FINANCES WEREN’T THERE …
Here is an example, say the issue isn't verbal or physical but financial. You are always supporting someone who should, could, but won't support themselves. Now it is different if one wants to be the breadwinner, then you have an understanding of who does what. But in those instances where both are supposed to work together or one is the breadwinner while one is the homemaker, those things only work if each person can hold up their end of the agreement. Not feeling secure financially can create some serious issues and instability, that you don’t have to accept. Being a ride or die does not mean that I have to go through the struggle with you and if I choose to, I don't have to continue if it isn't what I expected.
I KNEW I MOVED ON WHEN THEY CHEATED …
What if you are holding up your end of the bargain in the relationship and you’re meeting all of her/his needs, but they still step out on you over and over. In some examples, a partner is blindsided by being everything to their partner, and still due to some underlining issue the partner cheats. So you move on! THEN you have the situation where you’ve gone above and beyond to meet your partner’s needs along with communicating where yours haven't been met, but they either turned it on you, to make it seem as though you were the problem or they simply ignored your request. Feeling ignored can bring about irrational reasoning and ways to “get out” of a relationship, especially if they feel stuck. Inside you just “don’t care, since they don’t care about you”. Either way, if one vocalizes repeatedly their unhappiness and is ignored, “leaving” may not be as clear of a plan. Am I justifying cheating, NO! Leaving is more respectful, but someone who is hurt tends to hurt to be heard. So now what? What do you do? These examples can lead to a sense of numbness from being disregarded. It can lead to being annoyed by just their presence. Any type of contact is repulsive and even the thought of intimacy is almost like a gagging sensation.
YIKES … RUUUN!!!
If at any point, these feelings come about for your partner and you don't see there being any type of progress in the relationship, then you might have reached the point within yourself where it is time to move on.
If you feel ready to move on weighing your pros and cons to see where you stand could be helpful.
It’s time to go (CONS):
You have broken up and gotten back together numerous times
You are the only one sacrificing for the relationship
There’s no trust
Morals/values/way of thinking just don't match
You’ve checked out
ABUSE (physical, emotional and/or mental)
Always thinking about leaving
Relationships are never perfect, they just don’t exist because humans are not perfect. But healthy relationships do. Healthy relationships are achievable, but only with OPEN communication between both parties. COMPROMISING is also another activity that has to be prevalent for a successful relationship. UNDERSTANDING that we are both human and that attitudes can flare but allowing time to calm down is A MUST. Also, FRIENDSHIP goes hand and hand with intimacy, because after sex … then what?
Maybe we can work it out (PROS)
Have a heart to heart
Try to see what made you love them before you started thinking about leaving to see if that rekindles some feelings
Are you able to forgive each other
Now after doing your checklist if your pros outweigh your cons or vice versa then make the necessary adjustments, but NEVER feel like you are STUCK!!! There is always a way out and your happiness is what needs to thrive to be with someone else. So if you still need to leave, then come up with a game plan. End your relationship with there being no possible reason for them to not to understand why it has come to an end. KNOWING IT INTERNALLY and acting on it can be a lot to take in, but OWN the fact that this chapter is over and even if it was a HOT STEAMING MESS or you are just at the point where it’s not going anywhere OWN IT. Take this chapter as a learning experience from however the relationship went and use it as what you will and/or will not be willing to deal with in any future HEALTHY relationship.
On the other hand, your partner’s reaction is the outlier. Just be prepared because they may not have the same feeling to breakup, due to a plethora of excuses used as to why they are being “blindsided”. So, separate yourself as much as possible so that retaliation for the breakup is not as easy to complete due to distance, number change, etc. In some instances dealing with being alone has begun before the breakup because your warning signs and checking out are ignored. This can make the actual breakup not as detrimental to you as it is to your partner. So, allow yourself to adjust to this new normal and find someone to talk to. This could be a close friend or a professional, just don't internalize it because you don't have to.
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO DO ONCE YOU’VE COME TO RESOLUTION OF BEING DONE AND READY TO END THE RELATIONSHIP IS TO FOCUS ON YOURSELF!!!!
At some point, you’ve neglected yourself and have allowed for things to happen that possibly have been avoided. This new chapter of your life is where you correct those neglected things.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Work on becoming the YOU that YOU DESERVE!!!
You DESERVE happiness, you DESERVE love, you DESERVE respect, you DESERVE a healthy mental state, SO GO IT!!!!
About the writer:
Shari Wilson has a genuine heart to listen to anyone who shares their experiences, traumas, or just life in general. She studied at Purdue Global University, acquiring her Bachelor’s degree in Applied Behavioral Analysis and Addictions Psychology in 2016. On the path to furthering her studies, she received her Master of Psychology in 2018 from Purdue Global University. Since then she has been enamored with the ability to use her education to help others through difficult times.
She is a Consulting Psychologist for UnCharted Path Productions, working on the upcoming psychological thriller series titled, “Hidden District”. She is a mom of 3, a wife, and an amazing friend to those around her. If you would like to get in contact with her regarding a counseling session, please email her at: firstname.lastname@example.org or her Instagram.
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